. archeryarcheryarcheryyy .
yep, it's been some time :) i have been kinda busy with the local qualifiers we organised and homework. haha. yep last sunday was the local qualifiers. all the setting up lines under the hot sun, the long complicated lrt-mrt-bus rides, the tying of balloons in the rain, the screwed up macros, the fun shoot, the qualifiers itself etc were all learning experiences. for me and for the team. we had our share of fun and laughter. :) yep, so now that local qualifiers are done, coming up is the south east asian junior championships. we're all gonna be super busy for the next week with all the organising n stuff. :)yup, today we had training.. i shot with clicker short dist. o-k luh..can be much better i guess. yep, and there's shooting tmr after short meeting with fishball :)
school fees all paid for and 1000 dollars to continue A Star research. im proud of you :) :) :) heex.
van 11:43 PM
. holding on .
today was what i'd call one of the better days. although it was really tiring to rush here and there, to finish the poster for the opening ceremony. yep so i did and re-did that poster but today i guess i was in a better mood, i didnt really grumble much. keyword is MUCH. haha i was quite happily sprawled on the floor drawing away during free period. but of course there wasnt much chance to sprawl when it was lunch period. but i finished it on time :) and i went down to zhenghua range. it's quite a pleasant place to shoot i guess. :) yep and helped a little to set up the lines and everything. after that we went for dinner, just seven of us. then after eating, me, mon, hanqiang and jason stayed to help the people in the cc to carry a roomful of books down one level to another room. the kids there were really cute :) i tried to make jason repeat the "little miss muffet" thing, but he refused :( but overall, it was quite a fulfilling day and i really enjoyed it. thanks chok kee for coming down :) thanks julie for volunteering to come down too :)sometimes, that loneliness just hits me sharp and quick like a jab in the tummy. it comes really quickly but fades slowly. that loneliness is like a slimy pulsating object, glowing brighter with each quiver it makes. i try to look away, to stop myself from being drawn to the hypnotical glow. but as curious as humans are, i stare at it, feeling myself drawn in to what i would call an abyss of despair. it somehow feeds on the attention i am giving it. because that lonely feeling grows at astonishing rates whenever im noticing it. when it's better, glowing less brightly, im normal. im smiling. im joking. im me. but when the sinking feeling starts again, everything just starts going wrong. but im going to pick myself up and tear my eyes away from that strong desire. no more loud wails and talks of depression. no more discreet sniffs and surreptitious wiping of eyes. NO MORE. i'll be strong. i'll hold on :)
van 11:22 PM
. much better now .
im back home early, right after chem consultation with nice nice mrs kong :) thanks tim for sending me to my block although i know u did that cuz u were BORED and needed to take a longg walk back to urs.. haha. thanks naraen for slipping out of gp class so that u can buy e pocky u promised for me. :) :) u were so lucky when u reached back to ur seat and mrs nair suddenly looked up and called ur name!! haha. yep. today was an okay day i guess, the lessons were quite okay, double gp, math lect, triple chem hahaha.. local qualifiers coming up and we have to set up the field tmr. grawr.im feeling much better nowadays, with all my frens and him. :)
i still dont see the point of everything but im going to tell myself to be strong and get going. mrs kong encouraged me alot today and i was quite inspired. :) hurhur. alrighty, i better get going. cya.
van 11:22 PM
. pictures .
yep im finally uploading new york new york pics. not many of them cuz of my retro phone. these are all from wei hong's phone :) From left to right.. chien wei, alvin, ronald, me, mon, eunice, simna, weihong :)
same arrangement..o dear hope there's no one extra. muahahahahha
my huge cotton candy cake...
spastic alvin and what is chien wei doing???? hahaha
yep tt's part of the cake..i guess im feeling better now. i shot today..after a long long time. there was a mixture of feelings ba. it helped relief my stress, it felt good but tiring as well i guess. cuz i just got well from a bout of flu again, so i felt as though i was drowning in my mucus. haha, i turned darker than i already was. arghh and im gonna meet uncle edward somemore. he's going to say im darker again :P
thank you dar, for e seaweed u bought to cheer me up :) and oh yes, thank you for being so sweet. :) :) :)
mummy met darling, darling met mummy. mummy liked darling, darling liked mummy. :)
"iwantyoutobewithmeeverysingledaythankyouforlightingupfireworksinmylifeandmakingmewhole"
heeheex awwwwww :)
van 10:56 PM
. end of masquerade .
the party was over, the masquerade had ended. i lifted my mask and everyone lifted theirs. i see pain etched on their faces. a sudden weight pulls down the strings attached to the corners of my mouth. i know you feel the pain i do too. my heart feels like crying for all of you, but i find no courage. then a warm hand holds mine and i look beside me. there you are, all along. smiling that genuine smile to me, no trickery. i knew where i had to go all along, but i just couldnt find the meaning and strength to do so. but as i look into your eyes, i find all the meaning i have been looking for. the masquerade's over. i've learnt to let things go and be strong. so let's talk about reality now.thanks darling for making sure i came out of house today, waiting for me under my apartment then sending me to school. :) xin ku ni le. :) i shant write anything else mushy cuz i KNOW there are people reading *points at you* muahahahahha. :) with reading comes teasing. so i shall be discrete. I LOVE ME!! oops! :)
van 7:29 PM
. thank you dears .
this entry is for a few people. Simna, Naraen, Monica, Mrs Nair and my laogong.Simna: Thank you darling for all your encouraging messages and never giving up on me. thank you for being patient with me and knowing and trusting i'll make it through. we have had good and bad times these 6 years. but im really really blessed to have you as my friend, through storms and rain, through joy and happiness.
Naraen: Thank you mr murtabak! thank you for encouraging me too. thank you for messaging me to tell me take care and buying pocky for me, wanting to cheer me up but realising i didnt come to school again. sorry to disappoint ya but i hope the pocky was nice cuz i know you ate it!! :)
Mrs Nair: Thank you for your concern and for understanding. it really means alot to me. :)
Monica: thanks for calling me and sorry i hung up on you. cuz i really didnt know wad to say anymore. thanks for being the one thing that gets me through all the tutorials throughout the day, cheering me up everytime.
Laogong: thanks for everything. everything you try to do to cheer me up, supporting me when im down, laughing with me when im up. time is not a measure of how strong a relationship is, and i know how strong ours is. thank you for giving up so much for me, how you always put everything down and rush to comfort me when i need it most. i love you darling :)
im sorry to the rest of my friends if i didnt tell you what happened. i dont really want to make it known, but for the messages asking me if im ok, thank you for them too. i'll be ok. i'll pull through.
van 12:37 PM
. happy easter! .
a little late but HAPPY EASTER. today went to church again. sang loads of songs. OUR REDEEMER LIVES!! WHOOO! :) thanks rae for the beautiful book and card :) today is the day our Lord Jesus Christ rose again. and they have nice nice easter eggs :D. today i was really deeply touched at how blessed i am. shi guang lao shi, yang guang xiao yu, yeow hwa chuan dao.. i learnt alot from them. about how they had to go through so many obstacles but still remained strong because of strength from the Lord. it was really really moving. had bible study after that :) then i went to meet him. we went watch movie marathon haha. Number 23 and Bean's holiday. haha, it was ok luh. i want to watch meet the robinsons!! we went to m square. then walked along s'pore river again. didnt do much today but he's here, guess that's all that matters :)yes this week has been a really slack week. i have been going out alot to celebrate birthday and stuff. but after the clock struck midnight i made the decision to work hard. yep! i'll stick to that. im going to muggg harddd! haha okok, STUDY, not mug. i realised the only things keeping me going throughout the week are few.
1) i look forward to going to church, because everyone is so warm and sincere there. everyone is God-centred, not self-centred. and i love worshipping Him because it makes me feel so free from troubles. :)
2) i look forward to the days my darling can send me home. :)
3) i look forward to GP lessons with naraen and simna.
4) i look forward to going home to my bed. :)
5) i look forward to hanging out with monica.
6) i look forward to hanging out with my darlings from secondary school
yes. that's all i look forward to. that's all that is keeping me going from day to day. :) thank you people :)
van 12:43 AM
. bdae pt 2 .
haha i went out at night with simna to plaza singapura. of course expected to expect to see only her. walked into cafe cartel and saw all my darlings :). missed them sooo much. they started screaming the song happy bdae. obviously led by simna teo weishan. :) it's a nice cake. there's elmo on top :) then they gave me quite a few presents :) thank you dears (nalan, jo, qiyuan, simna, cheryl). LOVE YOU PEOPLE SO MUCH. :) thanks for the surprise. muacks. happy easter! :)
van 12:36 AM
. bdae pt 1 .
hullo :) (in the way mon says it). hahaha. thanks people for the presents and the wishes. i dont really have a record of all your numbers so im sorry if i don't reply your birthday messages. :)April 04. haha. i came out of my house and found my darling waiting under my block. with this HUGE balloon and my pressie!!he woke up at like..four plus five just to take a bus all the way to my house. muacks. :) but i was so paiseh to carry that huge balloon around so i placed it in the range. at night i went out with my darling. it was a night full of surprises. :) we went to harbourfront to eat dinner. then darling decided to take cable car!! haha so we walked towards the station when he suddenly said he had to go shit :\. so i went into the toilet and when i came out i waited for him to finish. he came from a different direction. but i was blur so i orh ok. then we went on the cable car. the view was GORGEOUS! it was really very pretty. then i was admiring the view when he said he had another surprise for me. he took out a little cake from his bag and lit the candle. IN THE CABLE CAR. so it was really dark and there was the atmosphere. i was really really very touched. then we went into sentosa and walked to the beach. we saw the new new fountain. we saw like balls of flame shooting out from it, the really pretty colours and they ended with fireworks. it just made everything more special. :) then we walked to the beach and sat down and ate the cake under the stars. we dirtied ourselves with cream and cake all over. so we decided to...GO INTO THE SEA. haha with our clothes on. so we waded in. somehow, we dunked ourselves in. im not a brave person and the night plus the lights on the little shore on the other side scared me a little. but he said something really sweet i'll remember for the rest of my life. but that's just for the two of us :) oh yes, the high tide came when our phone were on the shore. and swept over it. so now both our phones are jammed. :P. many other things happened but i think i elaborated too much le. :)
yesterday..i went out on an archery outing, thinking it was an archery outing. but when we finished ordering our stuff at New York New York, my frens burst into a round of happy birthday-ing. and i used their present, the huge poster to cover my face. thanks pple :) then we had our dinner. ronald and alvin shared the huge yankee burger. i think they were like struggling to finish it. :). haha we had lots of candy floss too. then this waiter came and gave us a huge heart shaped candy floss, saying it was a cake. then all the waiters suddenly burst into song around our table and along came the real cake. eunice was tryin to make me read the menu so i wont see it. (i didnt anyway) it was really sweet. the pics would be uploaded soon :) oh yes and chien wei is so gross!! we shaped the cotton candy into a dice and used water to make the numbers on the dice. then we dared cw to lump it into a super dense ball and eat it. the process was GROSS. we went to s'pore river then eunice and i went to kbox and sang until 4 am. then cabbed home. :) thanks guys. it was a special night. :) love you guys
but yesterday was not a day filled with fun and laughter. i felt a little empty, hollow throughout the day, after church service. partly filled with numbed grief, but thankful that Jesus could go back to the Kingdom of Heaven with His Father. thank you rae's parents for being so sweet, for the hugs and everything. :) Jesus died for us on the cross yesterday. n i mourn. and i grief. He is more than forgiving, more than magnanimous. He is my Lord Jesus Christ.
van 11:58 AM
. masquerade .
A halloween masquerade. i see all your mouths curled into sickly sweet smiles and your eyes bright with forced enthusiasm. your faces harden to form impenetrable masks, your hearts so cold. i feel all eyes on me, so i slowly allow that same sick smile to upturn the corners of my mouth, allow the fake eagerness to show. my face hardens like unmouldable clay. and behind that mask, i cry. what is real anymore? im not sure myself. sometimes, i feel so tired to go on pretending, go on holding that mask over my face. i dont know what does true friends mean anymore.hypocritism is the theme. it chokes me like hot bitter coffee forced down my throat, stinging my tongue, burning my gullet, churning in my stomach. it wraps around me like a blanket of snow, a crazy burning sensation, followed by numbness. i no longer know when your smiles are real and when they are fake. it's like downing a bottle of cough syrup. so grossly sweet.
i see myself lying on my back, being wheeled along a long endless corridor. the bright white flourescent lights hurt my eyes so much, blinding me. i can feel no one around me except the person wheeling me. i can hear squeaks of his sneakers against the scrubbed and polished floor of the hospital. i can smell that strong overpowering stench of medication and the anti bacterial floorwash. my palms are sweaty, my body is cold.
you. seeing you makes me feel exasperated. because i just think it's stupid. it's really dumb. to give up a friendship because of something or someone. and for someone who is smart enough, there is something called a template when you talk. it's not like i can ask you much. it's not as if i really want to know what is going on. it's basic courtesy. so stop thinking you're desirable.
i no longer wish to take part in your hypocritisms. why not you just look at yourself before telling people off? you'd realise everything you ever said about someone else is displayed on yourself too. but for now i'll put on that mask and attend your masquerade. wave enthusiastically at you and bleed silently beneath that facade.
van 2:28 AM
. clarke quay .
Hello :) today i went out with my family again. supposed to have dinner with auntie winnie but oh well, think she couldnt make it. it's some new restaurant at clarke quay. did i tell u i like this particular pub at clarke quay. i think it's really well thought about. super creative. yep :) im talking about the clinic c one. the one with the theme hospital :) haha okok. enuff advertising. back to my story. haha, my sister's a lil ill today :(. but we had fun still, gorging myself silly :)
Me and sis at clarke quay
Mum and dad :)
Me and sis :)
Haha, it was great going out with my family again. we must have more of such family outings :)
van 10:24 PM
. giving my pain to the Lord .
Today was an interesting day :). first i woke up to go to church again :) it was great being back there, everyone's so warm and sincere :) we had games indoors becuz it was raining. then it was someone's birthday i think so we sang bdae song and there was a birthday cake. then we played hangman. then rae gave a question that said "vanessa's birthday is coming". lols. then everyone started singing happy birthday. thanks for e cake and the wishes :)I cried in church today. i guess when i knelt down and yeow hwa chuan dao touched my hands when i was praying, my tears just started flowing. it was like i was giving my pain to the Lord. it's normal for my eyes to fill with tears when worshipping but today was one of the few times i just cried out. oh yes, happy birthday to yeow hwa chuan dao too :)
I had bible lessons with a few people after that. including zhou chu and wu chian. :) they're really nice nice people. :) yeow hwa chuan dao is also a really really nice man. haha. he's really funny too :)
Then i went to library to study math after that :) it was quite productive cuz i had little time but still did wad i set out to do. then i met my family to celebrate my bdae. (no, my bdae is not tdae, dun worry) we went to an italian restaurant. the food was really good and the service was A STAR. haha. i only took pictures of appetizers and a few desserts cuz my phone was running low on batt.
Appetizers:
the best best was the cheese!! it was cheese wrapped in some bacon crust. the cheese was slightly melted. the outside was crispy and the inside was soft soft cheese. it was DELICIOUS!!
mom's caramel and sis's thick dark chocolate cake with rum and raisin.Haha, the highlight was not here. the waiters knew it was my bdae cuz of my sis. so they gave my some ice cream and rum. they poured the rum over and lit up the entire thing in blue flames. everyone started singing. i felt abit paiseh. haha. then there were sweet sweet people who wished me happy birthday before leaving the restaurant and they didnt know me. :). gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.
i guess they were right when they said when u find someone, everyday is valentine's day. thank you for being so super sweet :) :) i'm blessed to have such great church frens, school frens, archery frens, family and bf. i love you all. :)
van 8:56 PM
