Van :)

. happy birthday darling .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DARLING!!! hahahah.. happy eighteenth bday. today we rented movies and watched at my house. :) then we went to vivo city to eat no signboard seafood restaurant. :) happy happy. then after tt me n darling walked around. i would specially like to thank darling to ur cute cute cute cute hamster :) thanks for buying it for me to motivate me and to accompany me when u cant be there. love you loads! :)

Happy birthday darling!!!

Cabbing to vivo

Spastic faces

Drinking water is good for health :P

My new hammie. it looks so much like my hamsters last time :)

van 10:38 PM

A conversation with Jesus
me: Dear Jesus, i have this painful feeling in my heart. Can You help me?

Him: God has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help (Psalm 22:24)

Me: it's like a giant fist ramming into my heart, knocking down the protective walls like a pyramid of cards.

Him: God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)

Me: Father, i've tried to be strong, to stand up amidst everything but i simply cant. in my mind, everyone's faces are blurred, indistinct and unimportant. life has stood still. Lord, i cant find any point in going on anymore. yet, im going on despite everything, for the sakes of the people around me, appreciated or not.

Him: "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

Me: why can't i live for myself for once, be selfish and leave this world behind?

Him: Consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

Me: Father, can you take me away from this place?

Him: The Lord said, "Do not fear, for i am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

Me: I have no strength to continue this journey. Lord, help me. Give me courage and strength. Lord, help me.

Him: Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:30-31)

thank you Lord.

van 12:40 AM

went to watch fantastic four with darling the other day. :) it was quite nice though i thought she should be with silver surfer!! haha then me and him went to eat at koufu! whoa!! first time both of us didnt splurge. :P

today i was supposed to go on a study date with nalan and co. but guess wad? feeling a lil unwell so i OVERSLEPT. was supposed to meet at 945 but i woke up at 930. then i could only study until 1 plus so i decided to study at home. then darling met me in the afternoon and accompanied me to the doctor again. :) smiles. we went to Koka steamboat for lunch. :) quite nice. we ate buffet until our tummies were super huge. then we walked to paragon medical centre again for my appointment. after that we went to s'pore river. talked about alot of stuff. yeah...thanks for listening and encouraging an angsty person :S haha. then we went for chocolate fondue!! it was a happy happy time!! we asked for refill of chocolate then the people there were really confused cuz i think no one asked for that before. :P then me and darling licked up every single drop of it. we had really crazy topics cuz the chocolate got us super high. was in time to catch my last bus home!! :) im BROKE. :S

i kinda feel like closing down my blog :/

van 2:00 AM

Today was a happy happy day. met nalan at ikea with simna. then bought boxes to put cheryl's and qi yuan's presents in. then we went to holland v's settler's cafe. there were alot of games to play there. and it's super cheap!! 6 dollars for a main course, free flow of drinks and 4 hours of free games :) we played the lord of the rings version of monopoly. nalan won. haha then we surprised cheryl and qi yuan with cakes and presents. happy belated my loves!!

Cheryl looking super happy with her wondrous pencil case..

Simna and i :)

exchanging ice creams :)

All of us :)

Me and my ex husband cheryl!! i miss you cheryl!!

the bdae girls

Cheryl is one year old!!

I really had a spanking time with u guys. love you guys so so much!! muacks.

after that we went home. it was pouring by the time i got on the bus. when i jumped off at my stop, i saw a familiar face in front of me!! it was my darling!! lol!! so sweet. i was kinda surprised why he was at the bus stop. then we spent a lil time together. :) love ya loads.

im excited!! will be studying with my loves on thurs! cant wait!!

van 10:43 PM

I LOVE CRANBERRY JUICE!! haha yep im sitting here sipping happily at my cranberry juice!! hee! i've loved it ever since darling bought it for me when i had sore throat cuz he said it was really soothing :)

i went to sheraton towers with my family for dinner today. ate at the hotel's chinese restaurant. it was not bad. quite ex :S

i've fallen in love with this pocahontas song. it's my blog song now :)

If i never knew you (jon secada and janice) Lyrics courtesy of http://www.romantic-lyrics.com

If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And, if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How, at last, I'd find in you
The missing part of me

In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
in your eyes; so dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
if I never knew you

If I never knew you
I'd be safe, but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow, we'd make the whole world bright
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night
And, still, my heart is saying we were right

Oh, oh
If I never knew you (There's no moment I regret)
If I never knew your love (Since the moment that we met)
I would have no inkling of (If our time has gone too fast)
How precious life can be (I've lived at last)
I thought our love would be so beautiful (so beautiful)
Somehow, we'd make the whole world bright
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We'd turn the darkness into light
And, still, my heart is saying we were right
We were right
And, if I never knew you (if I never knew you)
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

i remembered that night we dedicated this song to each other :) :) i'll be lost forever if i never knew you :) loveyouloads :)

van 1:16 AM

today i went to church to look for Pastor Lu. :) thanks so much for listening, empathising and encouraging. and most of all thank you for praying for me. :) then i spent some time alone in the cathedral talking to God. :)

after that i went to meet darling who just finished his competition. went to eat pepper lunch. my poor guy was sick :( get well soon!! i'll pray for you. :) yep then we went to watch Shrek 3!! haha i LOVE the donkey and his cute lil kids :) so cute!!

then i went for dinner with mom and sis at paragon. some jap restaurant. after dinner was shopping. bought 300 plus dollars worth of clothes. a little secret.. i love phuture london clothes.. but it's kinda ex. i bought 3 tops and it's alr 300 plus bucks. yikes. :S haha. but it's really nice and the material is super nice. :) i've spent more than 500 bucks on shopping in one week. oops. spendthrift. CONTROL! luckily darling pays on our dates :) and im glad he liked e shirts i bought for him too :) yippee.

iloveGod. :)

van 10:45 PM

hello :) had seniors stepping down a few days ago.

Colin: hello jason, what do you want us to get for the seniors for farewell
Jason: Erm, anything la.
Colin: okay.

guess what? they bought the seriously over-advertised drink - anything and whatever. haha yup one can for each senior. then the juniors bought presents for the retired captains n vice caps. jason had a cup that read "i work with a bunch of shitheads". and cw had FOOD. as expected. haha such a pig. thank you juniors for that really super cute poster. i'll paste it on my wall or something and stare at it everyday. hahaha. thanks for e sweet messages on it too. and i LOVE the anklet. it matches my shoe :) thank you!! oh, i drank anything. so thanks for that too.

vice caps: old - eunice. new - sam. weird guy in background haha

After that we went for team dinner at curry wok. yumyum :) then me, simna and sam decided to go somewhere to walk. ended up at westmall. ended up eating cookie summit at swensens.

Sam hiding behind my summit. hahaha

sam's apple crumble

simna's sundae

arghh. fat :( dont ask why i didnt eat earthquake. i just ate one topless five with darling recently.

oh yes, wu duo..i've confidence in you ok? do your best for the team and go twice the distance i have covered. jiayou to e new girls cap of archery!! haha same applies to my dearest samsam and not so dear colin and hanxiao! hahahahha. kidding!! you guys..new batch of exco. must jiayou okay? :) LOTS OF LOVE.

oh yes, forgot to say few days ago i went out with darling aka superman. we went to queensway. :) well we went ikea first to eat the super super delicious meatballs and chicken wings. then we went queensway to walk and buy random stuff :) i love spending time with him. he's really silly. i havent laughed so much in many many days. :) :)

then today is mummy's bdae. yesterday we ate at Marriot Hotel. after tt me, mum and sis went kbox. when she went to the toilet, we quickly got a cake and e happy bdae song ready. then when she came it we sang it for her and i could tell she was really pleased.

my trendy mom and her bdae cake :)

then we went home after that. after she bathed, we surprised her with her present. Calvin Klein newest and limited perfume - Eternity. :) i hope that although my dad isnt around for her bdae, hope she'll feel loved by us :)

later on at 2pm im going to meet my pastor. :) yawns, im going to sleep now. :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM.

ilovemysuperman :)
Vanx

van 3:47 AM

today was quite a fulfilling day. :) i went to church in the morning. we talked about love today. yep. then we did some self esteem test. :P then after Sunday school was service as usual. :) after service, some of us went to Raffles City. had quite a fun time laughing and talking tgt. yupz. and sorry if i kept targeting you, wj. i just liked ur helpless reaction. :PpP after lunch at soup spoon with vania, andrew, weijie, rae, wanwen, victor, heidi and (oh NO i forgot their names, sorry sorry im really bad with names) me rae and wanwen accompanied weijie to buy ahem...stuff. hahahha. it was quite farnie laughing around with those peeps. :)
after that i met darling at esplanade after he went to e gym. decided to go catch a movie at grand cathay.

snuggling up happily while waiting for movie time :)

then we started having photo fetishes with samsung and its mosiac functions.

we watched zodiac. it was kind of loonnngg. but it wasn't bad. e first murder kinda scared me. haha. but i think tt robert guy is sooo obsessive. then me and my hungry darling (as usual) went to eat SEOULL GARDEN. heehee. yep we had quite alot of fun luh. we stayed till we were e last ones to leave. then i took e last train home :) misses him alr. (gaaah) ok, save my mushiness.

im staring at this moth trying to struggle out of the cacoon. i didnt know it'd take so long. but i cant help squeeze it out because i heard i'll cripple its wings if i do that. it's kind of motionless now. it reminds me of life. full of pain and struggles. just to catch a little glimpse of that beautiful world beyond. that world that i can no longer appreciate with the eager eyes of a little child. happiness and all positive emotions have been drained from me. im like a moth struggling out. but im a moth that has given up half way. i know i will die being wrapped in that cacoon. but i am too tired to continue struggling out. the world has slapped me full in the face way before i was old enough to handle emotions. and now im still reeling from the exhaustion of that endless climb.

My eyes have adjusted to being contented perceiving the world to be black and white, devoid of colours. i cant taste the wonderful flavours you so eagerly described to me. i cant see the magical rainbows or cotton candy clouds you talked about to me. Our future and dreams roll effortlessly off your tongue. oh those sweet aspirations you have for you, for us. and here i am, left alone. sitting on an exfoliating rock, looking into the blissfulness of that dreamy face in front of me. Numbness tides through me. your words ring in my ear, pureness and excitement linger in each carefully sculpted word. i can't see the world you want us to live in for i have left it long ago. my body is still here but how am i to tell you, i no longer am. i see you carrying the huge bag of emotions i have set on you, but never complaining. the trigger went off and tears just fell from my eyes.. tears that were meant for a life im struggling to carry on with. it's like an ant with an injured back, dragging itself along. i feel the same way too. i weep not only for myself. but for that innocent love you showered on me that was useless because i've left. im not here anymore.

Wordlessly you took me in your arms and held me while the flood of tears came. we prayed. all i could hear was your soothing voice telling me not to fear and it'll be over. all i could hear was my own stifled sobs. im so tired.

Dear Lord, please...please stay with me. Dear Lord, please hold me and tell me what im supposed to do, where im supposed to go. for im tired. i dont want to go on anymore.

van 1:01 AM

. about me no more.

heyo! i thought it'd be nice to have a cheerful song and blogskin. yup. and i saw some youtube thing on stitch and angel with this song. it's superrr cute :) maybe it'd spur me on. :) well, i have appointment with dr ang again tmr and then i have exco dinner at fish and co. wish me luck cuz i can never finish a whole plate of fish and chips cuz fried fish isnt really a hot fave of mine. haha. oh well.

NO MORE EMO BLOG ENTRIES!

went to a chalet today to celebrate my grandma's birthday. :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMAMA. i sprained my third toe. LOL. dunno what i was kicking hahaha. :)

went out with my sis the other day. thanks for accompanying me to shop. and paying for my expenses!! :) ur like "how much? can pay by american express?" lol. then i was like looking sadly into my wallet :P

what is life like right now? it's a blur. it's like living each day for no reason, just trudging on with all the stuff i have and am expected to do. but like my dad said, "how can i crumble? how can i not be strong? if im not strong, who will support the family". that really helped me see into alot of things. i have to be strong too. just tell myself to straighten my clothes, look at the future squarely in the face for at least more than five seconds. i'll have to be strong. i can't say im tired or i cant say i dont want to walk this road anymore. because i HAVE to. it really isnt just about me anymore.

van 2:10 AM